OR HOW TO BE WITH YOUR NEGATIVE SIDES
How many times do we yearn for a wonderful partner, a good friend, or even children, because we just want someone to love us? Or then, we make a huge effort, to be perfect, to be better – and we never stop – because it seems that that is a way to earn people’s love and to feel worthy. But what if you were that someone for yourself? What if you gave yourself the love that you need? How would you treat yourself, decide, feel, and act? How would your relationships and your social life be different?
One of the ever-repeating themes in my work with clients is being self-supportive.
Let’s Get Rid of the Negative???
This week, I worked with a client, and we looked at her inner parts involved in her life situation. Each part she discovered represented a certain role, or a certain pattern of action, or a way to feel – and we observed how these parts interact and when they get to “call the shots”…
Before we even got to the part that is about transforming inner negativity, she said something that really impacted me: “Those three parts – I just want to get rid of them!” Normal, you would say, if they represent negative emotions and immature patterns of action? Her statement shocked me, because it hadn’t occurred to me in a long time that it could be about “getting rid of” something we are – but for me it is always about integrating, growing, becoming more whole – and experiencing less inner conflict in the process.
A Positive Way of Relating to All of Ourselves
There is no single inner part that is obsolete. What we perceive as negative or judge harshly is only the “negative side” of a part of ourselves. It is how it shows up in our awareness when it is neglected, pushed aside, not given enough room or attention, or resisted. Each part is also full of resources, positive aspects and feelings. Once I found that for me, the upside of feeling depressed is that I actually FEEL MYSELF – and it takes so much room that for once I am totally me. OR the upside of a childish, immature part is creativity. And you cannot have the positive sides if you don’t integrate or transform the negative ones… So getting rid of a part basically means cutting yourself in separated aspects, negating who you are, and loosing all the possible resources and your inner strength in the process. It would be a very costly solution – if you ask me.
All the inner parts just want to be seen, felt, and accepted. And if you even get to love them, they will never be a problem for you. If you love that inner child that is scared and keeps you from performing on stage or in your job the way you know you could – then it can calm down, and you can feel strong and self-reliant, and connect with your inner strength and power.
Isn’t it curious that connecting with our negative inner parts brings out our strength, calmness, peace, and power?
Self-Love Starts with a Choice
What if I REALLY don’t love my negative sides, you’ll say? It’s impossible to love the part of you that tells you that you are not worthy, or you can’t do it? So it may seem, to many of us, most of the time.
But let me tell you that that is not true.
Self-Love is actually not something you have to be born with, or you have to work on for a long time. It is something you can choose. And maybe it doesn’t start with a feeling of love towards yourself, but with a decision: I am accepting myself as I am right now. I am letting go of that erroneous idea that I have to change in order to be worthy of my own love. I choose to love and accept myself, right now.
Self-Care Starts With Acceptance
And after you take that decision, maybe you start practicing self-care and self-support in a different way: You could assume your full responsibility of all your inner parts. And you can choose to be benevolent towards them when they show up, just as a mother would be towards her screaming child (when she’s not all stressed out, anyways). She would see that the child does not have any other solution for their problem at this moment. And that it needs help to calm down, and to discover new strategies or forms of action.
You can ask yourself: How can I be loving and caring towards that inner part that is scared, feels guilty, unworthy…. or whatever it is that holds you back in that moment? What do I need to be ok, even feeling the way I feel now, and even in the middle of this experience of being limited? How can I make this better for me?
So when you catch yourself making a choice that leads you “back” into a circle, and there is that voice saying “I did it again, I am so stupid, I should have known”… maybe you can choose to stop beating yourself up. Maybe you can choose to trust that if you need to go “back” into the circle, you still need to learn something, experience something, or become aware of something. If we hold ourselves back in life, it is always because something still needs to be seen, understood, processed, or learned. So, really, there is no going back. No two experiences are exactly alike. And if you stop beating yourself up, you can open up to perceiving HOW it is now, and what is different. And you can open up to seeing yourself in a new light. And to discovering that process of expansion that sets in when you allow your inner parts to be, when you allow yourself to be all of it, just the way it is, now.
I would love to help you be more loving with all and everything that you are. Book in a free call with me and broaden the world of your possibilities.