Is it a naive wish that can never be fulfilled? We dream about finding our big love. The one. Our soul mate. The lit to our pot, the twin to our soul – the one who will see us for who we really are, and love us exactly because we are like that. With all out mistakes and weaknesses. The one who will uplift us. Make us feel whole. Protect us and take away all feelings of insecurity, insufficiency, lack, or ugliness.

There’s a whole industry of dating apps, books, places, agencies that is built on this dream – triggering our deep desire to connect, be seen, and loved. And we are so willing to do – almost – everything in order to attain love. As if it were something to earn, to gain, to achieve.

And the dream is absolutely connected to the invariable experience of frustration, loss, and disappointment. We either never seem to find it, or it seems to have gotten lost in the machinery of day-to-day interactions, responsibilities, and routine.

We ask ourselves: Maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe I am self-sabotaging? Maybe I need to become better to deserve this kind of love. Maybe I am doing something wrong because I am always selecting partners that are not available and don’t want to commit? Or worse: Maybe there is something wrong with me? Maybe I just need to do or say or be something different – then the other person would love me like that?

Love is There for All of Us

No matter how big the pain and the frustration – we are not ready to give up on this dream. And that is good! The dream points us in a direction of something worth going for. Even though we may find ourselves in eternal loops and circles of repetition – there is value in believing in love. Sometimes we have felt it before, and just want to go back to it. Sometimes we just know that it is out there and possible for us! And it’s true. It is possible for all of us to experience this deep and fulfilling love – only, in a very different way then we think.

How we Err: The Process of Falling in Love

In order to understand how we can have that experience of love, we first need to see where we err: We think, it is or will be the other person who makes us feel so good, so whole, and so loved. This is how it appears:

We fall in love, and experience a series of assumptions. The other person is amazing, attentive, loving, and I am so lucky to be loved by this person, and we are perfect for each other. If the process of falling in love is positive, that is where we stay – at least for a while.

But for many, this experience lasts too short a time, and then our fears and doubts come into the equation: The other one might leave me and get sick of me. I may not be enough. So I try to be what he likes and wants, and to behave in a way that doesn’t make him turn away from me. I have to be, or at least to appear, sufficiently cool and distant as to not be seen as “needy”.

We start playing a game of hide and seek, trying to manipulate the other person into providing what we need in order to feel loved. And every day we get a little more disappointed because that (formerly) amazing person is human, has flaws and weaknesses, and turns into a disappointment.

But the basic error is thinking that this amazing feeling of love is produced by something (or someone) outside of ourselves, and that we have to “attain it”, “gain it” or “earn it”.

Love is Who You Are, Not What Your Receive

Experiencing love has everything to do with who you are, who you have become. It is your capability of being loving, perceiving positively, and giving love – without needing anything in return. It is your perception that functions in a way that filters out the aspects and the parts of the situation which can be loved by you. If your perception and mental processing works that way, you can feel love(d) all the time – or at least always return to this inner state.

Love is independent of the object you project your love onto. You can love someone who is totally unavailable – and if it is love what you feel, you will not suffer, because you don’t need anything in return. The problem is that we confuse desire with love. Wanting someone, something, or an experience makes us vulnerable. We need to control, and we need to hold on to what we have. Because we might get what we need from the other person – and then we feel loved – or we might not. And when we don’t get what we need from the other person, that’s when generally the suffering starts. And it is bound to happen – because NOONE can make you feel loved, and fulfill all your needs.

Love Starts with Self-Love

I am not speaking about neglecting your needs and asking for less. I am speaking about fulfilling your needs, within yourself – so that the experience of love with someone becomes an extra to an already beautiful and loving life experience. And that’s where the question “How can I find my soul mate?” turns into a completely different quest: “How can I love myself so much and fulfill my own needs and take care of myself, so that I will experience the energy and consciousness level of love?” Because when we love ourselves, we are happy, and happy people are attractive. And the best is, they are attractive to other happy people, other people who are also loving towards themselves – and towards others.

It is true that we cannot love anyone if we can’t love ourselves. The people we encounter, the relationships we experience – they mirror back how we feel about ourselves on a very deep level. And if you want to change your relationship dynamic, you have to change your relationship with yourself.

It can be much easier than we think to create that kind of self-love, if we use Energy Psychology and its tools. We don’t have to pretend to be independent and calm when we are really not, and we are craving the attention of the other person. What we can do is become aware of those feelings and patterns – and then let them go. We can encounter the negativity within ourselves, the feelings of fear, and need, and lack, and unworthiness – and we can dissolve them, layer by layer, thereby becoming more and more positive. More and more loving and benign towards ourselves, our lives, and the people we share them with.

It is really ironic, but true: Only when we don’t need love anymore from anyone, when we feel loved in and of ourselves, we can actually experience love with another human being. Think of people who have “given up” and stopped searching for their partner – and that’s when they met someone. We all know those stories – and now you know, why it happens that way. When we let go of trying to find something outside of ourselves, we can be surprised. We can relax, feel better, take care of and nurture ourselves, and be loving with ourselves – and we might just get that mirrored back to us by another person!

PS: If you feel stuck in a negative relationship and repetitive patterns, book in a free call with me and let me help you see how you can let go of your obstacles to love.