The flow of life is like a river. It comes to us through our parents. If we cut that flow between them and us, we stop receiving from life. Consequently, the more we are in alignment with where we come from, the more we can grow.

It’s something I’ve seen in many family constellations. It is also a theme that keeps coming up around me, with clients, friends, and in my own process: For many people, not wanting to be like their parents is a strong motivator. Generations and generations of people have tried the same; to not be as poor as their parents, to not suffer as much, to not raise their children in the same way – to not behave in the same way their own parents did.

Frequently, when we first become parents, we discover the same impulses and principles in ourselves that we knew as children. The belief systems and behavioral patterns of our parents are deeply rooted within us. Interestingly, the more we try to be different, to “not be like that”, the more we end up being the same. And there are several plausible explanations.

First, what we reject, persists. The more we fight something, the more it “fights back”, or keeps coming into our awareness. If we resist, with strong negative emotions, the idea of being abusive to your children, that is what may result in our experience. And it makes sense. The more negative our emotions and lower our energy, the less resources we have the more stressed or burdened or sick or violent we get. Not because we’re bad people. But because negative energy makes us fight for survival in an animal kind of way – and it may well come out violently.

A second explanation is that the our subconscious with its neurological processes understands no “NO”. If we think ” I don’t want to be violent”, it activates the same neuronal structures as “want to be violent”.

Needless to say: It is important that we find a way of not resisting our parents, of accepting who and how they were, of integrating the fact that we are or could be like them.Judgment always leads into negativity and separation – inside and out. When we do that, we may find a sense of peace towards them. And ironically, it is from that positive, peaceful place, that it is possible to take different choices. But then, it’s not because we’re trying to be better than them, or to distance and separate ourselves from them. Then, we can be different, because of them, because of what we learned from them, because life lets us get luckier, and in their honor.

So today, I want you to connect with both your parents. It does not matter whether they are still alive. In both cases, you just visualize them in front of yourself and look at them, letting go of all judgment and resistance.

Sometimes it can be helpful to remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story, you don’t know how thy felt, or how things were from their perspective. You were a child. So maybe you can give them the benefit of the doubt. So, the task today is to


for what they did or gave to you, or taught you – or what they are still giving or teaching you.
Find at least three important valuable contributions they made to your life and to you becoming who you are today.

My family constellations teacher always uses two phrases that I really like for people to say to their parents: “Thank you for giving me life. The most important thing you did right.” In that sense, connect with your parents, and be grateful for everything they did give you. The respect, gratitude and love you find within yourself towards them can then return to you in many ways.

(Just a quick note for those who think they just can’t do this: If all you can find within yourself is resistance, how about doing the forgiveness meditation you got to know a few days ago with you parents and clearing all the negativity from your own relationship information field and patterns of feeling and thinking? Let go of all that old “crap”, and figure out how you can relate to your parents now, not from the past. Afterwards, you can surely find gratitude!)

Enjoy finding connections to your parents and giving them a place in your heart, and in you. Please let me know how it was and leave a comment below or on my facebook page!


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